The Relational Way

I’ve been the Small Groups Pastor at Cornerstone now for almost four years (I’m now the Small Groups and Connections Pastor). And a big part of what I do is champion biblical community and train and work with small group leaders to lead groups that transform lives.

As a practitioner, I do a lot of training, coaching, resourcing, starting up new groups, trouble-shooting... But I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking, reflecting and praying too. I’ve been asking God to teach me more about small groups – what they are, what are their strengths (there are a lot!), what challenges they present, what limitations there are... I’ve been asking the question: Is being in a small group the end goal for people?

Is it enough to have trained leaders, new group opportunities, resources and curriculum, and let’s say 100% of the church participating in a small group?

Or is it possible to have all this in place and still end up missing the mark?

A number of books have challenged and shaped my thinking on small groups recently: Connecting and True Spiritual Community by Larry Crabb, The Search to Belong and Organic Community by Joseph Myers. (Bill Donahue, Henry Cloud, John Townsend and Andy Stanley also have really good material on small groups too.)

And one recent book I’ve read, The Relational Way by Scott Boren has articulated a lot of what I’ve felt to be intuitively true and has provided deeper insights for reflection, thinking and prayer. It basically warns against the trap of thinking that adopting the small group model and getting people to join will in itself change lives and make the church grow.

This year, small group leaders at Cornerstone have already started on a journey to explore, test and interact with these ideas. You can also follow some of the ideas and discussion here on this blog.

Boren sets the stage for the premise of his book in the first chapter by introducing the idea of an operating system. Like a computer operating system, “our life’s operating system dictates how all other programs work.” The idea is that like the air we breathe or like how fish only know life in the water, the operating system or culture of our world shapes how we see small groups and community – often times in ways that aren’t biblical and reflective of Jesus’ teachings.

The culture we live in here is heavily influenced by individualism and pragmatism which strongly shape how we see things (often without us consciously knowing). We see this when well-intentioned people join a small group to help them to grow and develop spiritually (individualism). Or members and leaders looking for strategies and resources to make their groups work and produce results (pragmatism). (Shouldn’t the means of how we do things be consistent with the end goal?)

I know I’ve caught myself more than once talking with people all the while thinking about what I want to get from them or how they can help promote my own agenda. (Does that really reflect the kind of love the Bible describes as sacrificially seeking the interests of others?)

Studying the life of Jesus, we quickly realize that he operated out of a different operating system – what Boren calls the ‘relational way’, or the way of God’s kingdom. Jesus simply related and spent time with people not because of an agenda but because it was a good thing to do.

We were designed and created to be relational beings like God and

the ultimate expression of relating is agape love.

If small groups are not the end but only a means to the end - relational living and life transformation - then we need to learn not just how to do small groups but how to relate.

The church by definition needs to battle the anti-relational system of the world because by its very nature, the church stands for a different way of living and relating that expresses God’s kingdom in contrast to the ways of the world.

I’m personally challenged by the need to lead out of who I am – my character, my willingness to cultivate the kingdom according to patterns that do not reflect the world and the priority I place on relationships - not for the personal benefits [individualism] or the results they might bring [pragmatism]- but simply to relate because we reflect God best when we love.

I believe community is about life transformation as we relate to God and others in deeper ways, according to God's ways. As Boren says, “People change because they have been loved enough by God and others to see an alternative way of living and then move into it.”

Reflection Questions

1. When was the first time you saw something distinct about the way Christ-followers lived? What about that was attractive to you?
2. What ways have you noticed the values of individualism and pragmatism influence your view of community or the church?
3. If it’s true that what we need most is Jesus’ operating system, what challenges do you see in living out a “relational way”? What excites you about that prospect? What would that look like in your life?
   

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions and comments.